Has anyone ever heard of the expression, “You are who you are!” Certainly this is not to be taken completely seriously. After all, we are able to pretend to compromise on the compromise when necessary. Or we can at least pretend to be someone we are not when we have no choice in the matter. There are some things about ourselves that we cannot really change completely despite the unrelenting criticism from other people. Therefore, if this is what burdens us then we have the choice to take it and run with it and also own it.
I would like to think about what “demons” motivate you. My biggest demon is being unable to let go. We are all like that to some extent, but for me it is more at the surface and a little more over-the-top. For example, I had my birthday parties at children’s roller skating rinks well into my thirties. If you think that is crazy…wait till’ you hear this! I also went trick or treating until I was 31 years old in my neighborhood that is fairly accepting. One of the reasons I helped my neighbors with doing their chores like piling wood and bringing in their garbage cans from the street is to justify those eccentricities and be able to get away with it. At least this is how I believe it should work and this should be the rule. Doing good deeds should earn you the right to do things that deviate from the norm. (Just so you know, I would prefer you not take my advice because just I do it does not mean that it is right or it will prevent you from getting into trouble. Back in 2006 I lost a job in the Human Service field and found other forms of work (as though there was a choice in the matter), but until I was fully employed by Living Resources, Inc. I would always return to that same job in increments of one year at a time in a desperate attempt to earn that particular position back. I thought it would bring me closure as well as an ability to let go.
I would like all of you to think about a so-called, “flaw” and whether it can double as an asset at times. The inability to “let go” is why I was able to teach my creative writing class for Living Resources, Inc. today. Last night, I had called one of my supervisors, Amanda who is in charge of scheduling the programs and told her that I was planning to take the day off on account of the fact that I was trying to prepare and send out thirteen large packages by this afternoon to California in a project to benefit the company. While this is all true, I stared a Hamlet-like contemplation. The self-accusations of hypocrisy began to stalk me like the villainess in that 1980s movie about Captain What’s-his-Face.
“To cancel or not to cancel? That is the question.” Rationalization is like the Devil’s candy and there are so many excuses to choose from. It is an early birthday gift. It is not as though I am canceling to have a good time, but because I am working hard all night long. I decided in the end that preparing packages does not justify an absence. There was still time to make a decision, and it did not enter the realm of regret. It is nice when there is still time to make a decision, and it has not become history. The packages would take forever because every single little step (and there are SO many steps!) has to be repeated thirteen times. Some phases of the project take longer than others like writing thirteen thank you cards. My co-workers are taking me out to celebrate my birthday later today and did not want to be haunted by the fact that I took an unnecessary day off. The world will not explode if these thirteen packages are sent out on Thursday afternoon instead of Wednesday morning, too. The reason I am telling you this is not to fish for compliments or toot my own horn…alright. Maybe I am! And you should, too when you think about a time when you know you have done the right thing.